This weeks posts will be things I want to forget.. forever.
That nerve wracking feeling I used to get all the time with Papa driving a big truck on the road and he'd be late.. and I'd be sure he wasn't coming back. But he would. Every single time. With a smile and a kiss for me.
The hurt/anger/confusion/shock/pain of not knowing and not being able to conceive our first child.. took us 3 years of pain, heartache and stress. Of not knowing why or when or if ever. Of seeing others who conceived without plan or knowledge or trying at all.
The scorn of a 'friend' 'person' 'human'. The pain of not being good enough. Not good enough to fight for, or make it work, talk about it, understand, or care anymore... being lied too and humiliated and not worth someones effort/time/love/friendship. The knowing of being used by someone who takes advantage of you. Just. Because. They. Can.
Watching Papa walk the ridge pole of our trusses, no tin, not fully supported, 40 feet off the ground. In his boots. Just little squares of truss tops every 2 feet apart. Heart stopping. What can I say, the man apparently has more lives then a cat!! (Even though I must admit my heart went wild in a exhilarating way when I thought of that moment. It was exciting I'll give him that!! I'm just more of a 'oh what if he falls and breaks his neck' kind of person where Papa is more of a 'neat look what I can do!' kind of person.)
The loss of a relationship of a child. I love kids. I love to see them change and grow and though I may not show it in ways people see I just love them. Some of my biggest regrets are the children I knew that I no longer see. Children I thought I would see grow up, change, speak, interact with others. I miss them and what could have been. Children I'll never know like my sisters late term still born. I wonder how she would have fit in the family. Who she would have looked like. What she would have been like. Who's world she would have changed.
As I've been typing I've been thinking about forgetting. I'm wrong. I don't want to forget these things. Even if I did forget these things there would always be in me the lesson I learned or the grace that God gave me to live every day. The part of me that wants to forget is the part that still hurts. J is 9 this year.. 10 years ago we dealt with infertility. TEN YEARS!!! That's a long time!! The pain isn't as sharp as it was.. how could it be with 6 kids roaming around in my heart. But I still remember the pain of not being able. Of big mouthed doctors and tests and herbs and surgery and being told.. your 19 you can't possibly have trouble with pregnancy!! The pain of knowing each and every month that I failed, my body, my husband, my self with every negative test. But we learned so much. About each other, ourselves, our motives, our plan for the future, our trust in Him who made us and has a plan for us. Without that time I'm not sure we'd be here, now, doing what we are doing. What we believe God called us to do.. raise our family, live our lives with purpose.
Lessons learned are what I hope to remember.. a person is only as good as their word. Pain now may mean freedom with God later. Trust is shaken but the love is there. Bitterness is really hard to get rid of, try not to store it up. Freedom comes in many forms. Sometimes life is better lived apart. Pain never ends. Hormones can really take your imagination for a ride.. :) Never give all of yourself.. others don't treat your heart like you would, even if they say they will. Rarely do people actually think before they talk, don't take it to heart. I'm not 100% sure but I think maybe pain only lives on if you feed it. Sometimes it turns into bitterness, and needs to be dealt with by forgiving those who caused it.
Papa used to tease me and say 'a man is an island' and I'd laugh and wonder. Now I think about it and wish we were an island. Our family, our farm, our lives. I imagine it would be free from scorn, disinterest, hate, disapproval and pain. It wouldn't be. I know that. My heart and my mind.. but sometimes it's nice to dream..
In case you were wondering I turned the sauce off awhile ago.. it still smells fantastic and I wanted to keep it that way :)
This is more of me then I normally give, but I guess that was a bit of the point. Humans all of us.
Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Is. A. Person.
DON'T FORGET IT!!!
What you feel others feel too.
I always love those charming proverbs, but can never remember them. So I made this one up :)
May the sun shine on your face,
May the rain be warm,
May your heart swell with love of our Creator,
May your life never be empty of the good that can be found in this world.
And May you remember that this world is not our home. We are just passing through.
It's never to late to love as Christ loved us.
Good night.
